Last week I turned 34! I cannot even believe it. I remember drunkenly begging the hot dog cart outside of my favorite college bar for a discounted hot dog on my 21st birthday like it was yesterday, and here I am 13 years later. This year has been a year of large internal growth for me – and I think a lot of that is due in part to the nature of this job of sharing my life with all of you. Social media has opened up my eyes so much to this idea of a timeline. Humans are so inherently interested in BIG LIFE EVENTS, and so many accounts that I started to follow or currently follow revolve around all of the lovely things in life that a lot of us look forward to so much: engagements, weddings, pregnancies, home purchases, etc. I sat there this year taking it all in, as I realized that most of those big things are all now behind me. I have been engaged, then married, then had one baby, and then another, and through all of those events, I’ve shared it all with all of you. The big loud question kept screaming into my brain of NOW WHAT? Social media can make it feel like life always has to be about these big events, and a lot of “now whats” so I am sure it leaves a lot of you feeling the same way. The irony is that if you’re not there yet, or never want to be there, you feel bad, and if you’ve been there and those moments have surpassed you, you also feel bad. If we all lived our lives according to these unsaid “timelines” then seemingly after 35 or 40 what is even left? It is so sad that society makes us feel this way, isn’t it?! This is sadly something that I grappled with a bit this year, this feeling of mourning the excitement of the unknowns in my life passing by, as I made peace with being content with my 2 kids, and our forever home, and my life completely as it is.
The truth is that those big life events, they are only ONE DAY in your long and amazing life. The pressure of these timelines, and this need for more more more is so tiresome to me. Do you know how many times I get asked WHEN WILL YOU HAVE ANOTHER BABY? WHEN WILL YOU BUY A BIGGER HOUSE BECAUSE YOUR CURRENT HOUSE ISN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR BOYS? WHEN WILL YOU…??
When will I have another baby? I wont!
When will I move? I won’t!
I am content. I am past all of these “big hyped up life things” and now I get to enjoy the life that Matt and I built and set up for ourselves, and there is such a subtle and quiet beauty in just that. In the enjoyment of life – yes there is less unpredictability as I get older. But I love to wake up and do my morning skincare routine, water my plants, take my CBD, sit down with a coffee and eat breakfast with my boys. These small moments strung together over time add up to so much more than the big ones. This year I’ve realized something that I wish I learned when I was in my early 20’s – that growth and excitement in life comes from within. It comes from waking up every single day and choosing to open yourself up to new people and new life experiences. It comes from taking risks, re-assessing your interests, and investing in yourself.
My perspective really shifted when we bought our camper a few years back. It was a life goal of mine that felt so incredible to achieve, and it was something outside of work or family life. It opened up my eyes to this idea of goals that are nothing but for fun and personal fulfillment. After enjoying the camper for a bit, we sold it and accomplished another goal on our list, purchasing an A-Frame, because we loved renting them so much on Airbnb. It has been a passion project, and one that has reinvigorated my love for working with my hands and creating, and it has led me to re-joining a pottery class. I have SO much more that I want to do, learn, and accomplish completely outside of being a mom, being on social media or being a wife.
So while it’s taken me until this year to see my birthday and age in a different way, I can now say that I am not sad to be getting older, nor am I worried that the next 34 years will be less interesting or less exciting than the first 34. Maybe there won’t be births or weddings, but I am entering my 34th year of life feeling re-invigorated. I am ready to learn new things, never too old to try something different and knowing myself, I will have so many more passion projects and goals on my list to work toward each year. Let’s stop measuring our lives around timelines and “big life events” and start focusing on small baby steps, like teaching yourself a new skill, or reading a new novel. Here’s to another year around the sun! 🙂