When ringing in the new year, pregnant and in Florida exactly 12 months ago, I could have never known what 2020 had in store for us. This is a hard post to write, but as it is my yearly tradition to do so, I wanted to take some time at 10:06PM on December 28th, 2020 to sit down, shed some tears with you all, and reflect on the year we lived through. Although I don’t feel like I did too much “living” in the sense of travel, seeing and doing new things, meeting new people, going outside my comfort zone, etc. I do feel like it was a year of deep internal growth.
Let’s head back to January. On January 5th, Matt and I headed on a 1 night babymoon in Miami, and we stayed a few blocks from one of our very first apartments together from when we were dating. It was one of my favorite vacations with him during our entire relationship, because it was very intentional. We knew that it was special to get to go out to a delicious dinner, to walk together just us two at night before we embarked on the journey of having two kids, and we just enjoyed the freedom of being just us two. After this staycation, we headed to Disney World with both of our parents for Hudson’s first time. We wanted to bring him before he became a big brother and life became extra hectic, and I cannot tell you all how happy I am now in hindsight that we had this trip, because truth be told I don’t know when the next time I will feel comfortable being in Disney is. It could be years. Looking back on these images feels bittersweet for two reasons. First, because of how much I took for granted the world we lived in at the beginning of 2020, and also because of the “plan” or “vision” I had for our family and our new baby. At the time we took those photos, I expected I would be writing this post in Florida, at my parents home while they were playing with their grandchildren. It makes me deeply sad to feel so far away from them.
On January 14th I took my last flight of the year alone at 33 weeks pregnant and headed back to NY. I finished up some last minute jobs with Sea, shot some maternity photos that I will treasure forever, spent the last month just Hudson and I and really tried to enjoy what will most likely be my last pregnancy. My mom came and stayed with us the last two weeks of my pregnancy just in case, and it was fun curb walking with her, and living with that feeling of “what if” every day at the end. But as luck would usually have it with me and pregnancies, Charlie was late and I ended up being induced, on March 10th. I will never forget it – we got to the hospital at 6:30AM, and as they checked us in they let us know that only parents could visit, one at a time, because of COVID. Hudson couldn’t visit us, Noelle couldn’t take birth photos, all of our “plans” changed in that moment. That is when it hit me – COVID was going to change everything. Charlie was one of the first babies to be born during the pandemic – the pandemic was actually officially called a pandemic the day after I gave birth. During my labor I can remember one nurse went down to grab coffee for another nurse from the cafeteria, and I watched them each touch the same cup. It was little things like that that nobody knew about yet. There were no masks, no rules, nothing. When we were discharged from the hospital, they told us not to let anybody touch our baby. It was really hard, because my parents flew in to be there, but from the day we got home on the 12th until when NY State quarantine ended, we didn’t see anybody. My parents flew back to FL right before things became locked down.
The truth is that there were positives and negatives about being locked down with a newborn. At first it seemed great, considering how easy it was to have a routine, stay at home like everyone else we knew, bond as a family. Hudson was of course pulled out of school, so that was a huge curveball being alone with both kids every day, but Matt was out of work (for what ended up being around 5 months) so having the extra help from him was also nice. The negatives were of course the anxiety surrounding having a baby when the world was in such an unpredictable and scary state, and also having to support the family during that time when I expected to take time off. I felt so completely lucky that I had the capability to still work, but also not going to lie, I did wish I could live in my sweatpants, not have to worry about deadlines, and not have to stress about finances. But I just kept finding gratitude to still have work. I could not be more thankful for that.
Then the feelings of despair began to set in – sadness around the things Hudson was able to do as a baby that Charlie missed out on, sadness about all of the family who wouldn’t meet him until he was older, sadness about feeling so alone and isolated from other new moms / everyone during a time that support is so imperative. I worried my postpartum anxiety would trickle back in, some days Matt and I felt like we were drowning in a sea of toys, sleepless, alone, unsupported. We found things to cling to – we would drive out to a park nearby that has deer, and we’d watch them gallop next to the car, we’d pickup iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts drive thru and drive around while the kids napped, we’d go on hikes outdoors where nobody was around. We found ways to feel happy with less, we found ways to lean and depend on each other more, we learned so much more about being a family unit during the endless days all together.
From March 10th – June 13th, we stayed at home. When we emerged, my bangs were grown out and Charlie went from being an 8lb peanut to being a 3 month old. When he was 4 months old we made the decision to drive to stay at my parents house on Marthas Vineyard for a month. When we got there we quarantined, and to be honest, we really didn’t do much other than build a pizza oven at home, cook pizzas, neighborhood walks, bike rides and outdoor activities during our stay. Matt never has that much time off of work in the Summer, and it feels special to have had that time with my parents and Charlie, since they hadn’t seen him since the day he was born. Like I said, bittersweet, because at the end of the day Matt was out of work, but I like to try to see the glass half full.
When we came back to NY in early August, I couldn’t have felt more lucky to live right on the beach. We spent the rest of the summer going to the beach every day. 2020 has made my love for nature grow even deeper. There’s something freeing about just waking up, and having no option but to get outside. Come September, things began to open up a bit for us. Hudson started Pre-K, work picked up for both Matt and I, and it felt almost like we were just living in a new normal. Some of my loved ones got COVID during the second wave, but I feel very lucky that they recovered. During the Fall, we saw very very few people, but we did still feel like we had a “Fall” season, meaning we did visit pumpkin patches wearing masks, and we found ways to still make things feel festive even though they were different. I think the hardest part is that this is Charlies year of FIRSTS, and I almost couldn’t focus on or enjoy that, because I was constantly overcompensating for the weirdness by trying to make Hudsons activities feel magical and normal. The last thing I want, as the mom to a 4-year-old, is for him to sense the anxiety that the world feels. Hudson told me he can’t remember a time when kids don’t wear masks. He constantly asks if people have COVID if I tell him they’re sick. It is so very sad to think of the burden this has placed on our kids, but that aside, juggling Charlies memories and Hudson’s in 2020 has been interesting.
On November 3rd we had the anxiety-inducing election and many many days of listening to NPR all day awaiting the news of who our next president would be. I think we all collectively breathed a sign of relief when it was announced that it would be Biden. We found out on Hudson’s 4th birthday, which ironically enough was when I found out trump was elected 4 years ago, mere hours after he was born. It felt like a huge redeemer for 2020. The holidays looked different for us this year, but different doesn’t always mean worse. That became my mantra – different is just different. It isn’t worse.
So here I sit, on December 28th – I have a 4-year old and an almost 10-month old. The world feels changed, but not at a standstill any longer. We have a new normal, when we walk out the door we bring our hand sanitizer and our masks with us. We don’t see too many people. We know traveling, aside from a road trip within our state is off limits. We’ve already discussed how we most likely wont even bring Charlie on a plane until he is walking or talking, even though Hudson was on about 20 flights before the age of 1. We feel guilty that we have kept our kids from our parents even though they’re growing older. We feel sad we can’t meet our best friends newborn across the country in California. The world feels so much bigger now. People feel farther away. The weight of missing people is heavy, but my hope is that 2021 brings health, and allows us all to hug the ones we love again. To eat a meal and drink wine with our loved ones under one roof. I always end these year in review posts with my goals for the next year, and my goal for 2021 is to just get through it, healthy and happy. I don’t want to place any huge expectation on it, because being HERE, being with our loved ones, enjoying snowy hikes, eating delicious home cooked meals, that is enough. If we have our health, we have everything. I love you all, and thank you for showing up for us for another year. I am sending you all health. Happy New Year.