Last month an e-mail landed into my inbox for a job that required me to be in my bra – and my immediate first thought was to say no. I’ve always been, since as long as I can remember, extremely self conscious in a two-piece swimsuit, and more of the “cover myself up” type. Even when I was younger, I was never the one leaving the beach in my swimsuit, but instead covered up with a towel. It’s hard to really say if it was because I was or am self conscious, or if it’s because I just feel more comfortable showing less skin to the world, and I can’t say if the two go hand-in-hand either. It’s just how I am, and have always been!
I sat and thought about that e-mail for the entire day, and I even spoke to my dad (I was visiting my parents in Florida at the time!) about what he thought about it, and he told me that the most growth can happen by stepping outside of your comfort zone. It’s TRUE! All of the scariest things in my life have always had the biggest payoff, so I decided to accept the job. Every step of it was hard for me – while Matt and I were shooting, I took a ton of shots wearing a lace kimono, almost hiding most of my body. Then at the end of the shoot, I decided to just sit on the edge of my bed, like I would if I was just having a conversation with a friend, and I ended up loving how casual the pictures turned out. I was so scared to pick one of the photos that showed the most of myself, AND TO POST IT ONLINE. What would old co-workers think? Real-life friends? My brothers??? My heart pounded as I hit publish that day, and the response was mostly so so great from all of you. I couldn’t believe the amount of support that I received, from all of you, my friends, who realized what a big step it was for me. But the sad news is I also received some negativity (which I knew was a huge possibility). A lot of people said I couldn’t be body positive, because I didn’t even understand how it could feel to be that way. Others said I was lying about what my caption had said. Some even told me to eat. I know that these are the realities of posting online, and putting myself out there, but I also wanted to write this post to open up about it all a little bit more.
I like to believe that being “body positive” is something that is all inclusive. Insecurity isn’t a one-size-fits all term, and every person has things about themself they like to pick apart, or hide. I am for sure a victim of looking at the person next to me and thinking because she has abs, or because her hair is thicker or her skin is more moisturized or WHATEVER that maybe she has no insecurities. But that just isn’t true, it happens to all of us, and the best thing to do is to not compare ourselves, but that’s also an extremely difficult thing to do all day every day. I’ve always exuded confidence outwardly – like if you met me, you’d probably think I was an outgoing, strong-willed, confident person. But I am a cancer with a hard outer shell, and when you really get to know me, you learn that I am actually an anxious, semi-introvert with a lot of insecurities, for reasons I cannot explain to you, because if I could, I could probably fix myself! ha! I will say, getting pregnant and learning to accept my growing body that housed a life really helped cure my insecurities in many ways, and made me accept the mentality of THIS IS ME – TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. If that e-mail showed up in my inbox 5 years ago, I would have never ever said yes, so I am a work in progress, and I feel myself loving the body I was given more and more each year.
If I had to do it over again, I would 100% say yes, even with the bad parts, because I actually felt a new part of myself grow the day that post went live. It was almost as if a world of possibilities opened up for me, simply because I allowed it to. Every body is a body, and whether you’re 90 lbs or 300 lbs, someone WILL have something to say. Noelle gets negative comments for the way she looks, and so do I, and we’re walking proof that you can never make everybody out there happy – so it’s better to focus on your own happiness. With all that being said, if there’s days your self-love just isn’t there, it happens to the best of us. and I am right there with you.
What are your thoughts on all of it? Let me know in the comments.
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