Can you believe my little fox is two? Neither can I. Well, I can, because I can’t really remember a life before him, but it also feels like i blinked and the past few years have flown by. I can remember feeling really insecure and new in this role, and of course I have days and moments where I still feel like I don’t know what the heck I am doing, but I feel like a somewhat seasoned mom now, having two years of the title under my belt. The unknown still frightens me, but it excites me too.
I think that’s the biggest thing I had to overcome and still overcome daily as a parent – UNKNOWNS. I always really liked my life to be predictable before Hudson – I mean of course I was spontaneous, and free, but overall all of my big moves were calculated. The second you get pregnant, you give that up. Your child will FOREVER be an unknown, because you never know the baby you’re going to have, and as they grow, you realize things will continue to pop up that you didn’t expect and that are completely out of your control. The more you try to fight that, or “fix” it, the more frustrated you may become, so as I grow in this role I’ve learned to let Hudson lead me, and to reassess my expectations constantly. He is his own person, and that’s really hard to wrap my head around sometimes, but he has his own feelings that differ from mine! It’s wild, because year one babies have those feelings, but they voice them in a much different way.
It’s funny, because right after having Hudson, and for probably a solid 20 months or so, I continued to question my friends who had two, or were pregnant with another, or seasoned moms of 3 or 4 HOW DID YOU DO IT AGAIN? I couldn’t fathom going through all of the sleepless nights and crying and milestones and all of it all over again. I think part of it was because Hudson wasn’t an easy baby, so I just felt really fearful of having that experience again (and of course I still am fearful of it haha) but as he moves more into being a talking/ walking human of his own, I am somehow weirdly enough nostalgic for those messier moments. I can’t even explain why, but I am sure if you’re a parent you get it. Somehow being in the thick of having a newborn is so bonding – I felt so connected to Hudson, but I also made so many close friends during that time of my life. I learned a lot about Matt, myself, my family, and what is important in the world. It was such a nice excuse to slow down, and now that I am back in the throes of working 50+ hours a week, I always try to think back on that time as a reminder of what life is all about. Also, knowing that nothing is permanent, and it’s all just a phase, has really made me look at it all differently. Seeing that I put time and energy into this baby who is now growing into an incredible human that I get to have in my life for its entirety makes it all so so worth it. He brings me so much happiness and joy, I couldn’t imagine not having gone through those tough moments to have him here every day. It’s so cliche, but it’s all so worth it.
That being said, I guess I can see why someone would do it all over again. It took me over two years to feel that way (haha, we all get there in our own time, or we don’t, and that is fine too!)
Anyway, Happy Happy Birthday to my little fox, the silliest, quirkiest, car, pizza and ice-cream loving little guy out there. Here’s to reading Good Night Floria and Chikka Chikka Boom Boom 44849 more times!
P.S. We had a very small get together for Hudson’s birthday at my place with our closest friends! Here’s some photos – Hudson wasn’t feeling being in a picture with me lol!
