Sometimes it’s hard for me to leave things out from the internet – like to make a conscious decision to omit the truth. I guess it isn’t exactly LYING to you all, but it also feels wrong to not be entirely honest about both the good and the bad, because that’s really what life is about, the good mixed with the bad and how we handle it all. It would be crazy of me to not first acknowledge how much good surrounds me … so. much. good. I am one of the lucky ones, I feel, and I think that is part of the problem. I feel so lucky and so grateful that it also makes me feel guilty to admit that sometimes I am weak, or wounded, and I need to ask for help. So I wanted to come here, and share with you all that in this neck of the woods, for the past few months, I’ve [finally] been taking steps to admit that I need help, and have been seeing a therapist to try to alleviate my anxieties since becoming a mom. I wanted to wait until I felt like I was kind of on the other side of the coin before sharing, and after taking some time off and traveling to San Francisco to visit my best friend, and figuring a few things out along the way to try to regain my “old-self” back, I feel ready to share.
For those of you who know me personally, you’ll know that I am pretty spontaneous, weird, easy-going and basically before becoming a mom I was carefree almost to the extent of careless. After having Hudson, something changed. I felt this huge huge responsibility, and this pressure to do everything perfectly, and I also was scared that something could go extremely wrong. Pair that with his gross motor delays, and my lack of sleep due to this blog and it was a big mixture for my own personal journey and battle with anxiety. I suddenly felt like I had this never-ending extremely long to-do list with not enough time in the day, and I had this sense of urgency that loomed over every tiny thing I did. I became careless, my mind was constantly racing, and my fuse grew way shorter. I also have attempted to be honest with my journey as a parent in this space, but what I think is hard to really share through the internet is that Hudson has not been easy. I don’t want to get in to the details of my motherhood journey, but I will say this – when you commit to having a baby you just don’t know the child you’ll be raising, and some kids are super easy going and others just aren’t. Hudson has always been very strong willed and has a ton of needs – and that is great because I think in life it will be GREAT, but it makes it harder in this moment.
So, the point of sharing my deeply personal ramblings is this – it’s okay to not be okay. it’s okay to admit that everything is not perfect. it’s okay to be a human being! And if you are struggling, don’t feel embarrassed to ask for help. My therapist has slowly helped me climb out of the trenches that I created for myself by putting way too much pressure on myself. I’ve added an extra day of daycare to Hudson’s week, I’ve worked on work-life balance and I am hiring an assistant – all in hopes of alleviating self-inflicted stress that I created all by thinking that I’m a horrible person for spending less time with my son to work [I’m not] or that I don’t need any help with this blog [ I do].
Please take care of yourself first. Your mental health should be the first priority, and everything else comes second! If you ever need anything, I’m here!