I didn’t write this post ahead of time, because I wanted to write exactly how I feel in this moment on this big day, my baby’s first birthday. I never realized how meaningful birthdays were to the moms until I became one. He has no idea what today is, or what it means and I have been an emo lunatic leading up to it. Exactly one year ago, we looked into eachothers eyes for the very first time (in that picture underneath this). I couldn’t know in that moment how much my life would change, for good and for bad. My heart grew a thousand times bigger, my worries grew a thousand times larger and all of the things I thought mattered just became background noise. You are my entire world.
I STILL check on you on the camera throughout the night, just to see your cute little body curled up asleep. I still imagine your tiny head that you couldn’t hold up yet resting on my shoulder when you lay on me in the rocking chair at night. Watching you grow up has felt so slow, but also it seems like it flew by in the blink of my eyes. I blinked, and here you are, a little boy and no longer a baby. It is so beautiful watching you discover the world, and grow older but it also breaks my damn heart at the same time. I never fully realized why any parent would feel that way, but now I do. I love having you as mine, I love how much we love eachother and how much you appreciate that I cut up your grapes, or come to your room when your binkie drops (as you expect me to). I love having you as my little boy, but as time speeds by I know I can only love those tiny moments so hard, and hold on to them. I couldn’t even fathom the love we share, and while some days are really hard and frustrating + others are lonely as crap, I would not change a thing. You are perfect, and I love you always. Happy birthday mister H, my little fox. Here’s to another year that hopefully slows down a bit.