Guys, I’m starting to get really sad. My maternity leave is ending in 3 weeks, and this may be the last time ever that I am at home with my baby, just the two of us, without a care in the world. I know that work + having a sense of self is important, I know that in the long-run I will be happy with my decision to go back to my (awesome) job, but right now it just feels so hard and so wrong.
This past month was incredible. Even though Hudson and I were so bonded when he was teeny tiny and sleeping 1 foot from my head, I feel like now we’re connected on an even deeper level. He understands me, and trusts me, and he knows that if he cries or needs anything I will always be there. It was hard to get to this point, and it took a lot of him crying and me showing up by his cribside, but I finally feel like he doesn’t feel alone in the world, even if he is alone in his big giant blanket-less crib in the dark, and that is beautiful because my baby should never ever feel alone. He’ll always have me to count on. If you were wondering, yes I broke down crying while writing this and yes I am a softy.
BABY UPDATE: This month, I feel like physically Hudson changed less than from month 2-3, but mentally he changed way more. He flipped over for the first time from tummy to back, but only once and then he hasn’t been too intent on making it happen again. He can hold his head up strong enough to face out in a carrier, and he seems like any day he will be sitting up. He still isn’t a fan of tummy time, but he LOVES bath time, and I make sure to bathe him every night because it is his absolute favorite.
He also started to coo SO much, and he laughs which is the cutest thing in the entire world. I work so hard to try to make him laugh, and if I can’t do it some days I get really sad, like does this guy already not think I’m funny – geez. I also sleep trained him this month using this book/method, and weened him. He was naturally eating in larger stretches, like every 4 hours, so it started to make it really complicated to breastfeed & my supply was dropping. He actually didn’t even notice that he was weaned, because I pumped and offered him the bottle a lot prior to weening him. It’s made life a ton easier ever since. He sleeps from 7:30PM – 7AM now, and only wakes some nights to eat a little around 4-5AM.
MAMA UPDATE: Like I mentioned above, I am just savoring every single second with this guy. He is my favorite, and now that he cries less and plays more, I just cannot get enough of him. I watch videos of him from that day after he goes to bed – the obsession is real. After I weened him, I started to truly feel like myself again. My boobs are TINY, like a -A, and they are much flatter/lower than before, but I honestly don’t really care. I never minded having a small chest.
I just feel much less pressure now, not having to wonder if I’ll make enough milk for him to fall asleep full. I’ve been working out about 4 times per week, and doing my best to eat as healthy as I can (but of course that includes way too many sweets). I feel like me, but with way more emotions and a heart that was totally opened up in an entirely new way.